Public Service

Like clockwork, every two years I receive a summons for jury duty/service. That means that of the 18 years I have lived in the City, I have been called to report for duty 8 or 9 times. Of those times called, my number was drawn for trial on 4 occasions, being weeded-out for one reason or another two of those times, selected twice for trial, had one of those cases settle before trial began, and actually seated on one trial.

You probably already know what it is like to report for jury duty. One can count on spending at least two days in the jury waiting rooms with hundreds like themselves who are equally annoyed about being trapped in waiting rooms with rows of uncomfortable seats and watching mind-wasting TV (who picks those channels anyway ?). Oh, joy.

Courtroom Humor
In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

A witness was called to stand to testify about a head-on automobile collision. "Whose fault was this accident?" the lawyer asked.
"As near as I could tell," replied the witness, "they hit each other at about the same time."

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for
murder.


Public Disservice

Legal expert, Percy Perjury, offers these helpful hints on "How to Get Off Jury Duty:"

• Paste a tattoo on your arm that says, "Hang 'em high!"

• When being questioned by attorneys, before answering each question, flip a coin.

• Wear a hangman's noose for a necktie.

• Bring the prosecuting attorney a cake that says "Happy Birthday, Uncle Harry."

• Insist on being sworn-in on a copy of "Batman" comics.

• Wear a white sheet and a hood and keep repeating, "I ain't prejudiced against nobody!"

• Bring your own sackful of evidence and pass it around to all prospective jurors.

• Learn to whistle "The Prisoner's Song" very loudly without moving your lips.

• Tell them you have to leave early every day to get back to the Half-Way House.